Depression
I have been in an endless cycle of depression ever since I had this horrible surgery on my nose. I still haven't forgiven myself for following through with this surgery, even when I heard about ENS. I allowed the doctor to persuade me after I had cancelled the surgery over that weekend. I would do anything to get that moment back. I've always had a problem with following my instincts. My whole way to the surgical center I felt like I shouldn't do it. Even when I reached the center and started to sign the papers I felt like it was a bad idea. With all of that in mind I still did it. I never even considered how happy I was at the time, and how the surgery could change my attitude in a negative way. This is why I can't forgive myself. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past, as a teenager. I was just starting to come to realize a variety of things about myself and my potential and what I needed to do to be truly happy. Before surgery I decided that I wanted to go to college and get a bachelor's degree in philosophy, and maybe even become a professional philosopher. I had a whole new outlook on life. Now in post-surgery I feel worse than I think I ever have. I have been depressed and I barely leave my house. Sometimes the lack of resistance and wide nasal cavity feeling makes me feel anxious as well. So far lack of nasal resistance and dry throat bothers me the most. To make it even worse my septum seems to have deviated from the surgery that was done on it. My right nasal cavity tends to block up when the nasal cycle switches and I believe it is related to the septum relapse. I believe that it accused while I was flossing and lifting my upper lip. I may have to go back for surgery on the septum. I believe that my septal deviation was asymptomatic before the surgery and that it was in the posterior section. All of this has made me feel really down, and I feel a lack of drive and ambition to do some of the most basic things at times. I really don’t know what to do anymore. It has only been 2 months and a half, but if this doesn’t change, either mentally or physically by the time the winter returns I don’t know what I will do with myself. I feel like every time I want to change the course of my life (which has been going nowhere for years) I hit a speed bump that I help to create.
I have been in an endless cycle of depression ever since I had this horrible surgery on my nose. I still haven't forgiven myself for following through with this surgery, even when I heard about ENS. I allowed the doctor to persuade me after I had cancelled the surgery over that weekend. I would do anything to get that moment back. I've always had a problem with following my instincts. My whole way to the surgical center I felt like I shouldn't do it. Even when I reached the center and started to sign the papers I felt like it was a bad idea. With all of that in mind I still did it. I never even considered how happy I was at the time, and how the surgery could change my attitude in a negative way. This is why I can't forgive myself. I've made a lot of mistakes in my past, as a teenager. I was just starting to come to realize a variety of things about myself and my potential and what I needed to do to be truly happy. Before surgery I decided that I wanted to go to college and get a bachelor's degree in philosophy, and maybe even become a professional philosopher. I had a whole new outlook on life. Now in post-surgery I feel worse than I think I ever have. I have been depressed and I barely leave my house. Sometimes the lack of resistance and wide nasal cavity feeling makes me feel anxious as well. So far lack of nasal resistance and dry throat bothers me the most. To make it even worse my septum seems to have deviated from the surgery that was done on it. My right nasal cavity tends to block up when the nasal cycle switches and I believe it is related to the septum relapse. I believe that it accused while I was flossing and lifting my upper lip. I may have to go back for surgery on the septum. I believe that my septal deviation was asymptomatic before the surgery and that it was in the posterior section. All of this has made me feel really down, and I feel a lack of drive and ambition to do some of the most basic things at times. I really don’t know what to do anymore. It has only been 2 months and a half, but if this doesn’t change, either mentally or physically by the time the winter returns I don’t know what I will do with myself. I feel like every time I want to change the course of my life (which has been going nowhere for years) I hit a speed bump that I help to create.